christmas!

It is hard to believe that it has only been a week since I have graduated.  While I have been busy with Christmas stuff, I still constantly think about Americorps.  The more I think about it, the less prepared I feel and the more in touch I am with my fears about the entire experience. I at times find myself still questioning my decision to go and  wonder if I should decline the offer.  Once I think through it though, I realize that what is holding me back is fear.  Fear and hesitation.  Hesitation in the sense of having to meet and be surronded by all new people.  Fear of being able to get my own space and time.  Hesitation with how to prepare.  Fear of leaving my family and friends and being so far from them if something were to happen.  Both fear and hesitation when it comes to the conditioning portion of the experience!  With all of this, why do it?  I have always had a plan.  Originally I wanted to do the Peace Corps in between undergraduate and graduate school.  The more and more I researched it, I realized how unsafe it currently is, especially for women.  I researched other alternatives, and while I applied for Americorps I highly doubted I would ever get it.  I then made other plans.  Those plans were to get a job, work for a year, and then get my masters.  When I got word that I was accepted into Americorps NCCC, I did not want to give up the plans I had made.  Yet that is the reason I am ensuring I follow through and do this program.  I want to for once, just go with the flow.  I want to not worry about money.  I want to not worry about myself.  I want to give of myself fully.  I want to meet new people.  I want to see new places.  I want to make the world a better place.  I want to do something extraordinary with an ordinary life.  So ready or not, I am committed to this program and its cause.  This time next year I will probably be back in this exact same spot on my moms couch gazing at the Christmas tree and watching a Christmas story.  What I hope to be different one year from now is me.  I expect to be rich, not it money or material things, but in experiences.  I have just closed one chapter of my life and am preparing for the next.